It’s my birthday tomorrow, and I’m gonna be thirty (mumble mumble) years old. How do I feel about that? I don’t know. I try to tell myself it’s just a number, but then my back pain yells that it’s very much not.
Here are some things about the whole experience that you’ll understand if you’re in the same achy boat.
10. You gotta lower the bar
“Serotonin? In this economy?”
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 25, 2019
9. You’re outdated
It is absolutely wild to remember a time when it took like three days to pull up a Netflix movie and that felt fast, somehow.
I explained to my daughter that when Netflix started they used to send you DVDs.
6yr old: (old lady voice) You know, back in my day, the internet used to come in the mail.
— Donald Zimmer (@zimmer_donald) September 27, 2020
8. You fall hard
I slipped on the ice like a week ago and I’m still paying for it.
I’ve gotten so old that when I fall down now, no one laughs. Instead, they express concern and help me up. It’s awful.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 2, 2020
7. You get the worst combinations
Am I a child or a vampire? DECIDE, BODY!
It's been said before, but the absolute injustice of having acne and greying hair.
— Martha Dumptruck (@marthasa1) August 28, 2020
6. You’re still a kid inside
Gonna put a bunch of those stars on my ceiling and let ’em fall on my face.
I’m 35 and still get exited if anything glows in the dark.
— Godzilla sized handsome bastard (@GimmieTheHam) December 14, 2020
5. You grow apart
Then like four years will go by and you won’t even notice it.
Being an adult means you have a total of 3 friends and they all live in different parts of the country and periodically you just send each other videos of weird dogs and say “this made me think of you”
— ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 5, 2020
4. You hang WAY over
Just clear the whole day.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
— CEO of Bitcoin (@SortaBad) February 1, 2020
3. You’re always cleaning
It just sort of regenerates, somehow.
A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get take out, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning. the. kitchen.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) June 28, 2020
2. Everything costs way too much
I’ve never purchased any rug larger than a bath mat for exactly this reason.
why are rugs so expensive? pillows? curtains? why does the trash can fill up so fast? why do i have to clean my kitchen so much? where the fuck is all this dust coming from???
— isabel (@isabelfulla) October 8, 2020
1. You’re caught in the middle
I know how to use Zoom, but I’m still gonna yell at it.
I’m a Gen Xer so I adapt to new technology like a Millennial but get angry about it like a Boomer.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 4, 2019
I may not be super cool with the whole ageing thing, but as many philosophers have pointed out, there ain’t much I can do about it. Might as well just enjoy the insanity!
What’s the strangest thing about being your age?
Tell us in the comments.