Hey kids! It’s that time again.
Time for us to pull together this tweet and that tweet and them tweets… all in a nice, neat little blog post for you to read and chuckle at.
We really don’t think it’s too much to ask. Just a few minutes of your time today, and we guarantee that you’ll laugh… or we’ll give you all of your time back.
Trust us? Good!
Let’s go read us some Twitter tweets!
1. Quite right!
“I am glad that a bitch ain’t one.”
"So terribly sorry to hear of your ninety and nine problems." pic.twitter.com/S2zxEAhicd
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 9, 2014
2. But isn’t it?
If you can’t win, don’t play!
[losing badly in a contest]
guys its not a contest
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 18, 2015
3. I mean, those are still temples
Just needs a little Spring cleaning, right?
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2012
4. Remember that time when the rye was running…
…and he caught all of it?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
5. The puns are gonna get you!
They done got you.
*sees New Balance 609s hanging on wire*
*hears faint "hi scared, I'm dad" echoing through neighborhood*
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) November 22, 2014
6. What does the fox say?
I think this one is gonna last forever!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
7. Must. Obey. The. Law.
Yes, being murdered is bad. But being a bad pedestrian… might be worse.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 19, 2018
8. No more tears.
He doesn’t need your prayers! But your thoughts…
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— Dante Allegheny (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013
9. For all the Bills out there…
We see you AND your boards.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
— Better things are possible (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
10. So many regrets…
Doggos have them, yes.
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 8, 2015
11. I mean, between those two!
No other books needed!
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
12. You need help.
Way too much for food.
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
Now that was a funny list of jokes and tweets and things, yeah?
But we’ve heard from all of those internet strangers… and now we want to hear from you!
Which of these did you find the funniest? Have any jokes you want to share?
Do that in the comments, fam!