It was my birthday the other day and somewhere along the line my friends and I started arguing about what counted as “middle aged.”

We didn’t really settle on a straight answer, but I feel like all these things are good indications you’re at least getting close.

12. The stare

Gotta take off these things that help me see so that I can see better.

11. Wandering aisles

I came here to get my soy milk, not go on some god-forsaken treasure hunt.

10. The special sound

That’s why I call old folks’ homes jazz joints.

9. Sock it to me!

(To the tune of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”):
The presents are looking a lot like towels
I’m thrilled, and that makes me sad
When I was five I wanted a sled, now my inner child is dead
Oh my God, they’re so soft!

8. Hundo p

Somebody gave me a hundred bucks as a gift the other day and while I absolutely appreciated it my first thought was “I can’t do even a single bill with this.”

7. Very alarming

Wakey wakey, time for achey.

6. Childlike wonder

I’ve still got the jingle stuck in my head and I probably will forever.

5. Bills for Bill

Hey thanks, I hate it.

4. Holy sheet

Heck, I get excited just lying down on freshly washed ones.

3. Snooze cruise!

Dude there’s literally nothing better.

2. New tastes

“Is this music actually very bad or am I just ancient?”

1. Think outside the box

And you never know when you might have to move, I guess?

I’ve checked every single one of these boxes and I think that means I can now retire?

What would you add to the list?

Tell us in the comments.