I get a little annoyed when people talk about the elderly like they’re shocked these folks have lived lives.
They’re not teddy bears, they’re not cartoon characters, they’re human beings with vastly more experience on this planet than the people patronizing them.
That said, I *do* understand why it can feel a little embarrassing/funny/I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-this when, say, an older member of your family opens up to you about elements of their lives you hadn’t thought about…and maybe didn’t want to. Like this thread on Reddit revealed:
But this user wasn’t alone. There’s plenty of outrageous grandma advice to go around. Let’s hear some more.
1. When you got it, flaunt it.
My Grandma (a model during the depression era) use to tell me, “Be proud when you walk!
Throw those t*ts out!” When I would tell her I was only nine and I did not yet have t*ts, she would just say, “You guess where they are gonna be and throw that out!”
2. Secrets revealed.
So I am a DD while my mom is like a -A. Because my mom hates feeling left out, she has one of those pairs of rubber boobies you can put in your bra to make it look like you have mosquito bites. So one day, while were visiting my grandma, my mom’s getting dressed while she’s in the room. My grandma stares at my mom for a solid minute and then this happened:
in a thick German accent ” Mary! ”
” What? ”
” You have no teets! ”
” …. ”
I could not have laughed any louder.
3. The hero we need.
The job for my siblings and me every Christmastime was to help my grandma decorate her tree. For as long as I can remember, my grandma had a gold foil ornament on her Christmas tree. When I was probably about 11 or so, I got the nerve to ask her what it was, already kind of knowing. Sure enough, she calmly told me “oh, that’s a condom wrapper. I want all my kids to practice safe sex”.
Way to go Grandma with the Magnum.
But really- safe sex is awesome.
4. Butter me up.
my grandma once told, while very drunk, if you don’t have lube on hand melted butter works just fine..
5. Hate the game.
My grandma, whilst once discussing my new boyfriend, was asking why I was only dating one man. Her 87 year old advice to 23 year old me was That in her day she would line up multiple dates, with multiple men to try them out, and once you went on enough dates with one person, then you would go steady. That was the norm. I had to nicely explain to my super conservative irish catholic grandmother that that is what we so kindly refer to as a “player” nowadays. Her response:
“Well, I guess I was a player then.”
6. What a pitch.
My grandma warned me that boys “make a tent” in bed every morning. Thanks Gramma:/
– [user deleted]
7. Wait for it.
My grandma told me not to date girls from the south in college because they all wanted to get married too young…surprisingly good advice
– [user deleted]
8. Work it.
When I excitedly told my grandmother that the boy I liked was going to prom with me, she said “Don’t wear anything with zippers. Make him work for it.”
She was a spectacular woman.
9. Remember this.
My gram gave me a diary when I went to college and said “write a lot, it’s the only way you will remember what happened in college”
10. Mr. Fancy Pants.
I made a joke about anal sex and KY at my girlfriend’s house and her 70 year old grandmother tutted at me and advised me that in her day vaseline was good enough for anybody.
11. Love me everywhere.
My grandmother and I had a conversation as follows
Grandma: Hows armoredporpoise’s girlfriend in bed?
Grandma: Does she let you put it both holes? Your grandfather used to love me everywhere. If you can’t love her everywhere then you shouldnt love her anywhere.
12. Do what you want.
“Slut? Honey, that’s just called doing what you want. And if you’re happy, who gives a d*mn?”
“Those b*tches be crazy!” said after nearly being clipped by a car full of college girls.
I love my grandma. She’s a teeny little old lady, aged 82 years, from Virginia.
– [user deleted]
My grandmother once told me “the best way to get over a man is to get under another.”
14. Stalling for time.
When I came out to my grandma, she smiled and told me not to have sex with dudes in restroom stalls. Thanks, Grandma!
15. Too involved.
When I was 19 my (then) girlfriend went to Europe with me for the summer to visit my family. Now, my family is generally pretty cool with the whole sex thing. I always got a separate room for me and any girls I was seeing whenever I was staying/ visiting them, etc, etc. This was, however, the first time my grandmother was faced directly with this issue. Anyway, we arrive to the house late at night after a long-*ss flight, have a huge *ss dinner, and my girlfriend goes upstairs to our room to get ready for bed. I try to go up too, but my grandmother drags me aside and proceeds to give me the most awkward sex talk of my life.
Grandma: Have you two… had… intercourse yet?
Me: Well, we’ve been together for half a year now, so yeah
Grandma: Are you going to do it tonight?
Grandma: Are you going to have intercourse tonight?
Me (starting to get creeped out): Probably not tonight…
Grandma: Do you use birth control?
Me: Yes, she’s on the pill
Grandma: That sounds sketchy, you should use condoms too
At this point I just want to get out of there, so I just agree with her hoping she’ll let me go
Me: Okay grandma, we’ll use condoms too. I’m gonna go up…
Grandma: Actually, maybe its better if you don’t finish inside her… Just cum outside! I can give you a rag!
Grandma: Are you sure? I have lots of rags.
Me: GRANDMA NO
Hey, there’s some solid advice in there!
What memorable bit of input have you gotten from your grandma?
Tell us in the comments.