Hey baby, you ready to have a good time?
You wanna try out some things that probably the internet convinced us would be hot, only to find out that they’re really difficult and disappointing and gross?
Then come with me to this Reddit thread…
Ah yeah. That’s right. This is gonna suck in all the wrong ways.
1. Using whipped cream in bed.
Stick away from whipped cream. Go for non-dairy. The milk products can give you a yeast infection. Cool whip is a better choice.
ETA: Apparently anything with sugar can give you an infection. Play safe y’all.
2. Doin’ it in a hot tub.
Putting it in while submerged shoves the water up in there and creates pressure which causes a lot of problems for her.
I know so many random things thanks to Dr. Sue….. That show was great.
3. Sessions that last for hours.
She gets very turned on when I don’t last as long as I would like to.
But she takes pride in the shortness of it all.
She would rather go for multiple short rounds than one long one
4. The banana thing.
Maybe this is just me but I don’t find it s**y when someone “suggestively” eats a phallic food item like sausage, bananas, popsicles, etc. It just looks silly.
Not to mention the fact that most people end up biting into those foods when they eat them, so if it’s supposed to be a stand-in for your d**k, it’s not an arousing thought.
5. Baby talk.
A friend of mine told me about going on a date with a woman and how it was going pretty well until they ended up having s** and she started doing all this cringey pursed-lips p**n actress stuff and ooohing in a baby doll voice.
His imitation was hilarious.
6. Big cosmetic surgery.
Huge lips, massively sharpened nose and face, breast or butt implants that could be used as a life raft.
Like, you look like some kind of uncanny valley s** doll monster instead of a human being.
7. Super loud moaning.
like the fake p**nstar level moaning and above.
A guy (my neighbor) and a girl in my building are dating, and I constantly have to hear her near-screaming through the wall.
I don’t know how anyone can get off hearing that, it’s so annoying.
8. Increasingly unrealistic expectations.
Imagine being exposed to the kind of p**nography available today at the age that you were exposed to p**nography.
9. Family connections.
I’ll talk about this here, but really it could also go in a post about “what do movies always get wrong”. It goes like this:
[Male character walks over to talk to attractive female character]
Man – ‘what’s your name’?
Woman – ‘(insert female name here)’.
Man [now slightly more interested] – ‘that was my mother’s name!’
I’m sorry, but I for one am NOT looking for a woman who shares the same name as my mother. In fact, for me that would be a bit of a turn off. Even if you were just looking for a one night stand, I don’t want to picture my mother when I’m with a woman in bed.
10. Those ahegao faces.
Plenty of people cross their eyes slightly when something hits just right, but it’s usually as their eyes roll back and close.
And yeah, a lot of us open our mouths when we’re getting into it (mostly because we’re breathing heavily), but sticking the tongue out? No thank you.
11. American strip clubs.
Sooooo not s**y.
I did have a great experience at a club in Amsterdam though.
That club had a circular bar and both nude men and women would dance across it.
So interesting, just had to keep covering my beer…cause….pubes.
I read on a different subreddit the other day that explained that the parts of the brain that correlate with genitals is very close to the one that correlate with feet.
Sometimes those areas get a little too close which causes the attraction.
Don’t know how accurate this is because I really have no desire to science this.
13. Power dynamics.
I’m not into aggressive people at all, and I don’t think it’s “hot” when someone is always trying to wrestle you for some kind of imaginary control.
I know others get turned on by this, but it’s one of my bigger red flags.
14. Making a big show of jealousy.
It can be insecurity in the relationship and/or themselves. For myself my partner was my first relationship and sometimes you think you want a romantic gesture and for love to be more movie-like, when in reality it’s not really what we were sold growing up (whether that’s from parents, media, etc).
Also if you’re bored, drama is fun. Shades of borderline personality tendencies. Also needing attention.
I didn’t have a relationship til I was 25, and I feel confident if I had in teenage or college years I would’ve been a h**la toxic partner.
15. Too much cologne/perfume.
I like equating it to how much attention a person thinks they deserve.
Too little and you don’t want any attention and it’s more for your own enjoyment.
Just enough and it’s for the people around you (or the people you want around you) to notice.
Too much and everyone in the rooms knows that you want to be the centre of attention.
Welp, difficult to kill the mood any harder than that.
What would you add to this list?
Tell us in the comments.