I don’t want to shock you or anything, but I’m here to let you know that Twitter is full of funny people. There are like fifty solid jokes per second on that website, it’s way too much to keep up with.
I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I just scroll and laugh and scroll and laugh. My family misses me, and they’re right in the other room. I may not survive much longer, but it will have all been worth it, just to bring you these funny tweets.
Please enjoy these fifteen offerings.
Please. It is my dying wish.
15. Cut, print
We have phone cameras and a billion different ways to send documents digitally, instantly, for free, why are we even still bothering with this?
I need everyone to understand that millennials don’t have printers at home. Please. I’m so tired of driving to print and scan documents.
— Annalisa Heppner (@Northernsirena) September 11, 2020
14. Breathe and stretch
It’s a sign from the universe that you really need to stop.
I was preparing to work out for the first time in a month and pulled a muscle trying to squeeze into my yoga pants. So that's that.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) September 5, 2020
13. Teenage dream
Why, she’s practically a baby.
Can’t believe my mom was a teen mom (27)
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 7, 2020
12. Cancel culture
We all know this tactic.
"Are we still on?" – An attempt to cancel
— Hoodie Hoochie (@jewelnotjule) September 10, 2020
11. By the letter
Wait, why is this true?
i don't know if yall feel me but.. september, october, november is the LMNOP of the year
— AIDA (@shutupaida) September 8, 2020
10. Down on the ranch
This is normal practice for us in the Midwest.
Person: *asks a simple question*
Me, oversharing: pic.twitter.com/AMhefYJmcB
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) September 6, 2020
What sound does this make?
I wish I could say “???????” In real life, it would be very useful
— erica (@SimpinEgirl) September 8, 2020
8. Plump lips
Get this woman a Pulitzer, stat.
Me writing about men like bad male authors write about women
‘He charged into the room, pert testicles bouncing gaily. I saw a scar & wondered if he’d had a vasectomy. He opened his plump lips, full of promise but annoying words came out…something about a football match’
— Tiffany Stevenson (@tiffstevenson) September 4, 2020
7. Freaks and geeks
Hey, you’re not wrong.
Twilight (2008) pic.twitter.com/Z9J7Vegt8L
— alice (@_alicejay) September 6, 2020
6. Hair today, gone tomorrow
Seems like way more work for them, but fair is fair.
imagine your card declines at the waxing center and they glue your coochie hair back onto u
— rain (@INTERNETFAIRY) September 9, 2020
5. Supa hot fire
Well, at least we all know now.
— yvette nicole brown (@YNB) September 8, 2020
4. Help a guy out
You gotta be a little more blunt with this one, obviously.
I asked this dude if he needed “help” in the shower and he said “no I’ve been doing it since I was little” and went and showered by himself
— carol (@venmo4feet) September 11, 2020
Looks like they’re gettin’ pretty frisky.
what if we kissed…. in the goth-o-lantern bucket……haha just kidding…… unless? pic.twitter.com/N1jRGFulAB
— 🦷garbage sprite🦷 is in her flop era (@bunniexblood) September 11, 2020
2. Stealth mode activated
Guess they put it in a prime location.
Thanks amazon for hiding my parcel pic.twitter.com/7NpNJ3J9pU
— Danielle McPherson (@__danielleeex) September 9, 2020
1. Guess who?
I am completely against the cutout thing. So creepy.
“does your person have a mustache?” pic.twitter.com/WlAtR0B7Vb
— Lana Berry (@Lana) September 9, 2020
If you’ve survived this long, congratulations. You’ve got much laughter to come.
Who are your favorite funny people on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.