Sometimes I’m not sure whether humans engage in dating in order to find partners or just so they have wild stories to tell, like this one on Reddit:

Whats the worst thing you have done/said on a first date? from AskReddit

Of course, he’s not alone.

Many, MANY other dudes chimed in with their own tales of woe:

1. Welcome to the slammer.

First real date ever: I am extremely nervous, dry mouth, sweaty palms, the whole 9 yards.

I washed and cleaned my car. I took a shower with fancy soaps, trimmed my nest of pubes, powdered my b*lls and shaved my face. I was ready!

I drove up to her house, shook hands with her mother, met the family, made jokes and broke the ice. I was still nervous, but it was subsiding, and I was on my way to victory.

I remembered to open the car door for her and proceeded to slam the door on her leg as she was getting situated.

Date over. 🙁

– usedbooks

2. Gettin’ smoked.

My neighbor used to be my pot dealer so he’d constantly front me stuff when either he didn’t have change or i didn’t feel like walking to an A.T.M. etc.

We hung out all the time, this was never a problem, i always paid and i’d thrown him a bunch of clients so sometimes he just didn’t care about a g. I also didn’t smoke enough for this to be a problematic arrangement.

One day he moves out, only a few blocks away, but I owed him 40 dollars.

We’re both really busy, he’s a musician i’m a photographer, so i’d try to get ahold of him to get him the money and it would never match up, and when we’d hang out we’d usually forget. Again, we’re friends, not an issue.

So i’m on a first date about a block from my house at a bar and i see him sitting with his girlfriend a few booths away, i text him saying i’m watching him and i have his money if he wants it/to come join our table. no response.

thirty minutes later we’re outside having a cigarette and he comes outside, grabs me by the throat and demands his money because “no one f*cks with him and his drugs”. immediately i knew he was kidding…my date didn’t. she freaked out and maced both of us.

we’re all still friends and i still got laid.

– [user deleted]

3. Ya boring.

Taken her as a newcomer to a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, with a live shadow cast and virgin tribulation and everything.

First and only date; I worried about it for a long time, but then realized, f*ck it, she’s boring.

– TheAustinKnight

4. Do the math.

“I failed grade nine applied math twice. But I’m not really a thinker, I’m a doer. Sometimes I actually need a calculator to count to ten.”

After this I was like ‘Omg time to go water my cat’ and drove her home, skipping every stop sign on the way.

Twenty five minute date, my fastest yet!

– JupiterDeusMaximus

5. Hit and run.

Took a girl out to dinner

During dinner, I notice a scar on her arm

I ask about it

“I got hit by a car while I was crossing the street a few years ago”

Go for a walk after dinner to get some coffee across the street

By now, completely forgot about the got-hit-by-a-car story

Crosswalk light is about to turn red

I say “We can make it” and we start rushing across the street

We almost get hit by a car.

Yeah, no second date.

– Piratiko

6. Punch drunk love.

ended up in bed with her, when we turned off the lights and i lifted my t-shirt i accidentally punched her on her nose-piercing with my elbow.

that was not the night i got laid

– mousestar

7. Sweet dreams!

I took a girl to see requiem for a dream.

Yeah that was uncomfortable.

– stringrbelloftheball

8. Cool it.

Not me, but my best friend. He was on a date with some dumb girl once and they were having a good time, sitting in his room listening to music and talking.

She picked up a heating pad and said, “This would be so nice on me right now,” and he jokingly said, “Yeah. I wonder if it will work on my cold, lonely heart.” She promptly left.

I thought it was funny.

– ilestledisko

9. Yikes.

I am 25 and went on a date with an 18 year old.

Over the course of coffee she told me her entire sexual history, including abortions and the baby she gave up for adoption.

Her friend happened to walk by and they chatted for a moment.

She (the friend) was worried she might be pregnant and my date suggested she keep the baby just to anger the man’s wife.

We did not have a second date.

– WallyIsHiding

10. Curb your enthusiasm.

Left a girl at the curb because she refused to open the car door for herself, and resorted to insults to express her indignation that I had not automatically done so for her.

This was at her house so its not like I abandoned her, but she did have to walk back and explain to her parents why she was back early after I had just met them.

– ItGotRidiculous

11. Nerding out.

I went to pick her up and her brother answered the door.

He was holding a DS playing Pokemon. As I waited for her to come down, I proceeded to talk to him about it in depth.

She heard everything…

– RingAnswerHello

12. Warming up.

The conversation was getting a bit sexy, things were definitely warming up. Our hands were exploring some.

She asked me about past conquests, girls I’d been with, things we’d done, etc.

So since she prompted me, I told her this story about this girl I’d had sex with a few times, just as a hook-up, no dating.

Turns out, even though I didn’t mention names, there were enough details for her to figure it out, because she knew the girl…her cousin.

Also, as it happens, the cousin not only thought that were dating, but had thought we were dating exclusively until I dumped her for no reason.

That realization and the conversation that came from it was a bit awkward…

– ronearc

13. Take a bow.

Not me but my friend, took a girl to see the play I was in on a first date so I got to witness it.

While getting ready to leave, he puts on his coat and BAM punches her straight in the nose. Broke it nicely.

I have never had to stop from laughing so much while taking a bow.

– AdmanUK

14. Just a poke.

I was fresh out of a horrific mentally abusive relationship when I started to date again, so needless to say, I was a bit of a SAP around girls this time around.

I was on a date with this girl, we were hanging out at my house, watching a movie, having dinner, very casual.

At the end of the night, I walk her outside and to her car in the driveway and we’re just standing there. She says she had a good time and she’ll come to have a drink with me on the weekend blah blah blah, that old song and dance. She was getting ready to hug me goodbye, and my mind went BLANK and I just kind of poked her. Yes, poked her, with my finger… on her side, like “heh, thanks for coming over…” Her face was priceless. Then she said, “Ok… welp, see ya.”

Dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

– Bad_assness

15. It’s a sign!

I’m really not a fan of astrology, but I don’t really care if someone likes it.

Anyway, this girl said she was good at guessing signs.

I must admit, i was impressed when she got it right in only 10 guesses.

– Fearlessleader85

I can feel that last one pretty hard. You can watch my smile die in real time as anyone anywhere tells me about “my sign.” *shudders*

What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Tell us in the comments.