I think at some point in our lives most straight folks like me have wondered what it would be like to “switch teams,” (though I’ve always hated that terminology – why are relationships supposed to be adversarial?).
So it’s interesting to get the perspective for men and women who date, well, men and women.
Here are a few perspectives of the bis**ual people of Reddit
1. The snack distinction.
Women like snacks and will usually bring/have snacks. Men also like snacks, but usually won’t have them ready.
They’re more likely to say “lets go get snacks”.
2. The butterfly effect.
Dating a man feels like one of your male best friends decided he likes dick one day. Dating women feels “softer” and even though common interests are there, there’s more of that listening to their interests because they like it and you’re interested in them and not because you care about the subject at hand.
They both still have that same tenderness and butterfly feeling. That’s been my experience so far anyways.
3. The dynamics of trust.
I’m a bis**ual man. I find the dynamics of trust to be vastly different between my male and female companions. Men have been quicker to trust me, but became more nervous over time; women needed more time to build that trust, but once it was there, it was solid.
I’ve generally thought of that as not being inherent to their gender and instead tied to how they relate to my maleness. In the same-s*x relationships, there’s a lot more risk involved because of societal heteronormativity — there’s the initial pressure to be out and proud that prompts these men to engage in their relationships with passion, but then there’s a worry that the relationship will fail because of the toxic aspect of queer pride. With the women, there’s a general fear of violence from men, so there’s more caution early on.
4. Everyone likes cuddles.
I’m a bi male.
Non-s*xually, men are much more straightforward in almost every way. Everything from what they want to eat, to whether or not they’re interested in you. Women rely much more on cues or non-verbal communication.
In my experience, gay men have been the least receptive to the fact that I’m bi. Straight women tend to be hesitant, but if they’ve already shown interest in me they usually are still interested after I tell them I’m bi.
S*xually, with men it’s about finishing. With women it’s about the journey. With men, I’ve had more than one occasion where we’re playing video games and someone starts getting frisky. We pause, get each other off, and are back to playing games in like 10 minutes. Women, on the other hand, tends to like getting frisky, then foreplay, then s*x, then winding down.
It’s much easier to find a man to be with than a woman, at least for me.
I’m below average in the looks department (like a 3, maybe a 4 on a good day). The women who are interested in me tend to be around there, and I’ve never had an objectively”hot” one show interest in me. While most of the men I’ve been with also fall somewhere around there, I’ve slept with a couple of genuinely hot guys. Muscular, tanned, well-endowed. There’s a certain set of guys that really like chubby guys and apparently I fit the bill for them.
Everyone likes cuddles though.
5. Different difficulties.
It’s much harder to find a girl who wants to date you than a guy if you’re a girl. Either you keep finding straight women, or you both are afraid of being too forward and no one makes the first move. Guys are way less shy about it.
But since it’s so much harder to get a girlfriend, the relationships with women tend to last longer, because we wouldn’t have gotten together if we weren’t pretty sure we were compatible.
Other than that, there’s not a huge difference. Individual people are more unique than men are from women, if that makes sense. But I will say I’ve never had to fight with or teach a woman why something that happened to me was misogynistic. It’s more likely that she’s experienced something similar.
6. It’s all good.
I’m a bi woman.
There’s not much difference, in my experience. I’ve dated enough personalities to dismantle virtually any stereotype about gender lol. The most romantic and clingy were guys, the most aloof was a woman. People are just so different.
Dating women does come with the queer element though, where you have awkwardness over who to be “out” to. I’ve been lucky enough to mostly steer clear of biphobia but I did briefly date a girl who I think just wanted to be queer because that was her idea of herself (for activist reasons or something?) but I am skeptical if she was actually queer. Needless to say, that didn’t last.
Conversely, when I date guys, I sometimes get anxious about being perceived as straight or “gay until she found a dude”. Not that what people think matters, but it’s funny. When I date women I worry about homophobia, when I date guys, I worry about being erased.
Oh, small difference – I always insist on splitting the bill, which is pretty typical for same-s*x dating. I think sometimes guys think that means I don’t like them.
7. The power plays.
The whole base of the relationship is pretty different.
Most gay men are into this whole dominate vs. submissive thing and it’s a lot of their life/personality.
With women it’s more about just being together I would say.
My personal experiences I’m sure are very different from others but my most notable difference I’ve realized is that men are going to enjoy doing manly ish things together but it’s a lot of compromise with women (doing what they want and them doing what you want) it’s a lot less complicated with men if I’m being extremely honest.
8. Handling rejection.
Exactly zero of the women I’ve dated have ever gotten aggressive after a rejection or been passive-aggressive about something small like me taking a while to reply.
The percentage of guys I’ve dated who have been either aggressive or passive-aggressive in situations where they weren’t happy with something is at least 40%.
9. Looking out for #1.
Bi dude here.
The main thing I noticed is that women are much quicker to adopt a mentality of serving their SO. Men are rugged individualists and tend to look out for #1. For that reason, I think men, especially ones who have been single for a while, have difficulty adapting to the co-dependent nature of relationships. They don’t think of their partner’s needs because they expect their partner to take care of themselves. They neglect the notion of serving their SO as a way to turn up the heat in a relationship.
As a guy, I’m definitely more sympathetic to gay relationships because they’re less hassle. However, women are much hotter physically (to me) and the fact that they seem to intuitively care about their partner’s needs is a turn-on.
10. The marriage test.
I’ve actually been married to both genders … which feels like a crazy thing to say, but I guess not. I’m a woman (married to a woman). I was married to a man in my very early 20s…
To be honest, people are people and after a certain span of time with someone the gendered aspect of their behavior doesn’t make a notable difference. That being said, the major difference I’ve noticed has to do with gender roles and communication.
With a man, there was definitely more pressure to conform to stereotypical gender roles. For instance, it seemed obvious that my ex would mow the lawn, handle the hard labor stuff, and I’d manage the cooking and laundry. I realize it’s not this way for everyone, but in my experience there was an expectation inside and outside of the relationship revolving around expectations in gender roles. This also was evident when communicating expectations about chores. My ex would need to be told “please help me with this chore”, and then I’d have to explain how to do said chore. It was more of a struggle.
In a relationship with two women this doesn’t really exist. There isn’t an expectation that one of us does specific chores. Whoever is best at that task, or whoever gets there first does it. There’s less score keeping, less explaining, etc.
As for communication – it is easier, in my experience, communicating with the same s*x. It’s easier to empathize and understand another woman and be on the same wave length. Explaining things to my ex felt like a translation exercise. Also, women are more vulnerable and open and willing to talk at length about emotions. I think this is likely due to a toxic social stigma that sees vulnerable/emotional men as weak, so it would be great if we could raise men without the burden of toxic masculinity.
Of course this is all my experience and others will have different answers.
11. The rundown.
Bis**ual woman here. I’ve dated a lot more women though because I thought that I was gay for the longest time. I feel like the differences are crazy obvious but of course, I might be mistaken, these interpretations are personal.
Women have a hard time communicating in a healthy manner. Dating a woman often means having to somehow guess what’s going on inside her mind. And being punished if you didn’t guess right, if you didn’t guess in time or if you disagree with her. A relationship between two women who aren’t compatible can get very dramatic, very quickly.
They are more spontaneous than men. They know that you can have an amazing time riding your bikes to the beach, watching the sunset and eating grapes.
They talk about the future. Even if they aren’t ready to commit, they want to know what future you see for yourself.
They try to make you feel good about being just the way you are.
Men are are much more laid back and daily activities are a lot less conflictual.
They want you to succeed and impress them.
They can’t seem to remember certain things which matter a lot, like birthdays or even details about our past.
They sometimes expect women to turn them into better people.
Sometimes it feels like the woman they love and praise isn’t really… us.
They either struggle to understand what is attractive to women or how to make women happy, because they think it’s impossible to do/be both (you’re either a hot jerk or a cuck, right ?)
They make us (me?) feel safe and comfortable. I fall asleep watching movies with men because I feel great in a man’s arms. That never happened to me with women. But maybe it’s also because men love movies about heroes and spacecraft and I don’t really.
12. Racing to the finish line.
Bi-fem here. From my personal experiences, I have noticed that the biggest differences are the ways we communicate with one another and how this relates to the speed of which we come to be incredibly close.
With women, I have found that those relationships tend to form a deeper connection must faster. I think this is partly because there’s already an unspoken (or sometimes spoken) understanding of what it’s like to be a woman and the daily struggles we all face. And when we do converse about it, it’s not only judgment-free, but there is a greater freedom in our words because we find comfort and trust in knowing that it’s, oftentimes, a mutual experience. With that bond already existing, it makes it easier to fall into a more intimate relationship faster.
While some men may have a tighter grasp on the struggles a woman faces, they (likely) haven’t experienced it personally. This creates more hoops to jump through, but that’s not necessarily a negative thing. It really just means more time is spent communicating these issues that would otherwise already be understood by another woman. With that said, conversations like that with male partners can totally deepen the relationship just as much, but it’ll take a bit more time.
13. Conditional identities.
When dating a man i am a straight woman. Because he will immediately ask for a threesome. I do enjoy threesomes with two girls one guy but i prefer if the woman is my partner and we both find a guy. It’s just easier.
When i am with a woman i tend to have romantic feelings. I do find them more attractive too. Also the women will not ask for a threesome right out the door.
14. All about management.
Bi man chiming in. From the women and men I have dated, men seem to be easier to manage, whereas women will take a lot more. However, that’s just on the surface. The guys I’ve been with, it’s really hard to get them to open up if they have issues, within the relationship and outside of it.
For me, men are much easier to be with. It sounds stereotypical, but there’s not much drama between them, and anything that’s small gets done relatively quickly. Women tend to make a bigger deal out of it, but take that with a grain of salt. The women I’ve been with were not very good people.
I have more s*xual attraction to women, but more romantic attraction to men. Both of y’all can be complete knockouts in your own way, and rock it.
15. Easy peasy.
Men are easier to date. At least to me.
Show a bit of your cleavage on Tinder? Instant match. Tell a girl you love video games? Ghosted.
Most of them don’t find my pet geckos cute either, while guys in general find them cool af.
I’m not gonna date someone who doesn’t love my geckos.
Pretty interesting stuff if I do say so myself!
What would you add to this conversation?
Tell us in the comments.