We spend our whole lives on our phones these days, with notifications coming in constantly.
It’s easy to forget just how strange that stream of dings and bleeps really is when it’s for our eyes only, but we can quickly be reminded when we let someone else into the world of our device for even a moment.
Take this Reddit thread for instance:
There are thousands of stories. THOUSANDS.
But here are some of the best!
1. The tale of the not-so-sweet dessert.
Was showing my mum some cake ideas for my wife’s 30th that I was considering. My wife text me and my mum (for unknown reasons) got a full view of my wife’s poon with the caption “guess what you’re eating for dessert tonight?”.
I tried to grab my phone back, and my mum went back to browsing cakes without skipping a beat. As I was leaving my mum thought it would be funny to ask “Would you like 2nd dessert tonight, because I have a trifle in the fridge?”.
I nearly died of shame.
2. This text doesn’t even sound real.
Not me, but a friend we’ll call Bob.
Bob, some friends, and I went out one night to watch a show in town. Afterwards, we decided to go get some drinks and decided to carpool.
Bob’s phone was dying so he asked if he could charge it on the way over with the car charger. While it was charging, it had apparently connected to the car’s speaker system and, without a warning, the car read a new text message out loud to all of our surprise:
“Hey baby, it’s been a long time since you came in my mouth. How about we hook up tonight so I can taste that juice again?”
Needlessly to say, he was mortified and the rest of us rolled with laughter on our way to the bar.
3. Talk about getting mixed messages…
Chatting to a guy in a bar, handed him my phone so he could type his number in.
At that moment a message pops up from my friend sat several tables away saying “shag him.”
4. Guess he didn’t wanna buy what you were selling.
I was the one doing the sending. I moved to Japan a couple of years ago and early one morning I was at a market and saw a tanuki statue that had the full c*ck’n’balls on display. I took a picture of it and thought it would be funny to send my brother a message reading “UNSOLICITED D*CK PIC!” then send a pic of the tanuki statue.
Little did I know, halfway around the world, my brother was doing some late evening car shopping. He had recently been in an accident that had totaled his car and was in the market for a new one. He had handed the car salesman his phone so he could show the guy the pics of the damage to his car and the guy was looking through them when the words “UNSOLICITED D*CK PIC!” popped up on the screen.
My brother said the guy nearly dropped the phone trying to shove it back in his hands.
5. Sometimes the only thing to do is pretend it didn’t happen.
Showing my aunt a pic when a text saying “I’d f*ck the sh*t out of machine gun Kelly”’appeared.
We both pretended we didn’t see it and quickly started talking about something else.
6. Things just got serious…
Other way around: I was holding ex-husband’s phone while he was driving me and the kids to the airport. Text comes in from a “work colleague” asking if we’d left yet.
It was then that I realized the marriage was over.
7. We don’t mean to be hurtful, we just mean to be private.
Not my notification but I sent to my best girl friend “you’re right, future husband’s dad is weird. And a little racist”. And her future husband saw the text.
Luckily he laughed and agreed with me. But I was so embarrassed that he saw it.
8. Parents had a sense of humor!
Left my phone on the kitchen table and went to pee. My parents were making dinner and my mum saw the “wanna f*ck?” notification from my bf pop up.
I was confused when I came back in the kitchen and my parents were laughing. Thanks iPhone.
9. Guess you’d better take that…
New job alert from ZipRecruiter while at work.
10. Jokes can often get misunderstood.
My friend made this fake account on Twitter and followed me exactly at the time my teacher had taken my phone away.
The notification read @analfister6969 has followed you.
11. Oh, lord…
When I was in high school, my friends and I had the habit of giving each other funny contact names on our phones based on jokes we came up with. To this day my high school friend’s contact names are things such as River B*tch, Jeff the Slut, Baby America, Sugar Mama, etc.
When we were juniors, a girl who was obsessed with my friend led to his contact name becoming “Booty Lord” with some rather suggestive emojis following it. Everything was fine and dandy, until a few months later when I had forgotten about it.
I was applying for a leadership position in a club I was a member of and was required to get two letters of recommendation. For the second letter I asked one of my teachers, who happened to be a very conservative man in his late 70’s, if he could write one for me. Being the lazy son of a b*tch that he was, he told me to write the letter myself saying all the things I wanted him to say, and he’d sign it.
After I finished typing up the letter, I handed him my phone to let him read and approve it before I printed it out. About 45 seconds after I gave him my phone, he (very loudly and incredulously) said “Booty Lord??????” and gave me a horrified look and shoved the phone back into my hands.
That was hard to explain.
12. Well, that is good news.
My aunt was like “hey, is that the new samsung, can I see it?”
I say “sure”, and then I got a text from my gf, “Good news! I had my period!”
13. You’re the real GOAT.
Imagine my conservative 15 yr old little brother’s face when my bf texted “I’ll destroy your p*ssy” while we were watching some stupid goat on youtube.
14. Mike misses you!
Story apps can give really interesting ones.
My favorite that popped up while my boyfriend was holding my phone was something like, “Mike misses you! Come back and play!” Or something like that.
Of course all he did was pull the drop down menu down to see the full notification and laugh.
He teased me about it for hours.
15. You can discover a lot from a simple notification.
A pimp texted my father in law’s phone advertising transsexual prostitutes while I was navigating for him while he was driving.
16. Careful of your contact names.
More of a sh*tty contact name but two stories:
One of my high school buddies put himself as Jew Boy in my phone. Made my Jewish roommate super uncomfortable understandably.
The other is that I have a friend named Richard. This quickly became Dick Penis Willy Semen Scrotum in my phone.
Boy does my mom regret using my phone to take a picture.
17. You gotta take the wins where you can get ’em.
Me and my friend used to do this thing we’re we’d make weird noises on the phone (mostly just to annoy the other person.)
I decided to call my friend, and when the call was answered, I let out a groan that progressively turned into a screech.
Turns out his dad was the one who answered and all I can here is a him yelling “why the f*ck are you friends with this guy?” In the background.
I never saw this as a competition but if it was, I think I won.
18. Bad taste, bro.
my friends on discord had the name “child Predator” as joke my parents saw that and yelled at me
19. The steaks have never been higher.
Not me but my Mom. Went skiing with her and myself. Her partner at the time was also snowboarding, but at a resort about a 20 minutes drive from where we were staying (he was there with his friends). In the town they were staying at, there’s a really nice steak house which does an amazing fillet, anyway he sends her a picture of the steak the one night whilst we were just chilling in the hotel room.
As she turns the phone around saying “oh look how amazing this steak looks” another message pops up unknown to my mom saying “tastes like your p*ssy”.
And that is how I cannot eat fillet steal anymore.
20. Don’t hold back.
“Good news, the bump is not yours. Bad news, you might have herpes.”
I’d continue but honestly I think I might die of secondhand embarrassment. For real.
Have you run into a situation like this?
Tell us about it in the comments.