You know what makes my day? Some well written tweets.
There’s nothing like a good roundup of quality microbloggers sharing their funniest thoughts on the Twitters, and today we’ve gathered up all the funniness you can handle.
1. Legit goals!
Sign me up!
We're a modest company with modest goals:
1: sell a quality product at a fair price
2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god
— Stev D (@Stev_D) October 21, 2014
2. Bee safe and eat all the apples
I do wonder how they got that names.
[date at applebees]
waiter: what'll it be?
her: I'll have the apple
me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then
— john (@mrjohndarby) May 26, 2019
3. I have the biggest of all the oranges
Imagine if this were real!
Someone: wtf it smells like oranges
*me behind them* pic.twitter.com/dqcWHWNeak
— hentaiho (@aliljokeyjoke) January 8, 2020
4. I mean… why would you want to do this?
Can you imagine the smell!?!
guys be havin 25 roommates and want u to come over im staying home brockhampton
— follow igbopresenting damn (@igboadjacent) January 14, 2020
5. That’s not how that works!
Not at all!
Your stripper name is your mother’s first name and your mother’s last name
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) December 16, 2018
6. And that’s how you get bird house babies!
Come inside! We’ve got plenty you can stick it to.
"Do you have any bird houses I could have sex with?"
"Sir, we only have bird houses you can have sex with." pic.twitter.com/oV5uku0rMt
— kevinbiegel (@kbiegel) December 20, 2016
7. Would you top Carrot Top?
I feel dirty for even writing that.
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
8. Wait… what’s on the moon??
I don’t want to go there anymore.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) October 30, 2018
9. Bond is having an aneurysm… BREND!
Quick, get that man a martini and a cigarette!
"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to… what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 2, 2014
10. Everybody knew what was going on except you!
It’s always the kittehs you need the cuddles.
“I couldn’t breathe when I slept so I installed a camera” pic.twitter.com/DDhP0OweoW
— Space Cadet (@stluis_htx) July 22, 2019
11. Whoa… you need to get better friend picture taking skills!
Bruh… what are you doing to me?!
Im so mad that I took this picture of reed and this is what he took of me pic.twitter.com/7zx7TIt8bn
— Jeff (@jeffftweets) May 29, 2018
12. I mean… I haven’t crossed it off the list.
It could still happen. Just saying…
men be like, “the last thing i ever want to do is hurt u………………but its still on my list”
— marsha (@m1ntyfr3shh) January 19, 2020
13. You didn’t like that advice??
Oh, I’m sorry, then maybe you shouldn’t have not asked me to tell you my thoughts.
me sprinkling “but that’s just me” after giving someone advice so they can’t say i ruined their life pic.twitter.com/Tpe3wwfTkR
— HEAD of the man haters club✨ (@XippXapp) January 22, 2020
And there you have it, my lovelies. A quick, fun roundup of the jokes that tickle our funny bones and make life worth living.
Which one of these made you laugh the most? Let us know in the comments.