Alright lovers of both science fiction and hard science – we’ve got a special treat for you today. A hypothetical that will challenge your brain good.
Imagine aliens come. And then it gets weird.
Now, assuming you would *want* to return to Earth for some reason, what would you say? Here’s a few academic takes from the science-minded of Reddit.
1. The oil angle
First, the Earth cooled.
And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil.
And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes.
And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di’s clothes.
I couldn’t believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet and put it on.
2. Tools changed everything
so one day all the animals were just chilling killing each other with totally balanced weapons like teeth and claws and any change in the meta happened very slowly so animals could evolve and adapt.
then a naked ape figured out how to throw a f**king rock and before you know it we have people who evolved to live on African plains hunting and foraging for food trying to live together in massive cities and constantly arguing about politics and blowing each other up.
3. A classic quote
‘The story so far: In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.’
– Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe
4. Let’s set some ground rules
I’d try to understand if their species reproduce asexually or sexually and if they have the concept of evolution.
Assuming they have something similar, I’d do a five minute overview of evolution, explain why homo sapiens went gangbusters, explain how we spread out and developed different cultures due to travel and communication insufficiencies, our take on the scientific method, and how we are very much in our technological infancy, have only relatively recently reunited the species through communication and travel advances, and are still experiencing predictable culture clash.
5. Star goes boom
Star goes boom.
New star glows.
Big rocks combine.
Planet heats up.
Planet cools down.
Comets go donk.
Water covers planet.
Amino acids form.
Small buggers evolve.
Buggers leave water.
Buggers get big.
Comet goes donk.
Buggers die off.
Little buggers evolve.
Buggers get smart.
Buggers build stuff.
Stuff gets smart.
GODD**NED UPPITY ALIENS KIDNAP A SPECIFIC BUGGER
Stuff surpasses buggers.
Stuff leaves planet.
Buggers go “Buh?”
Stuff seeks friends.
Stuff meets friends.
Stuff advances further.
STUFF COMES BACK IN TIME TO KICK UPPITY ALIEN A** IF THEY DON’T RELEASE BUGGER
6. History of the entire world, I guess
The world was a cluster of gas and debris that went whoop! Now it’s a planet.
Can thing grow in or on it? No, the sun is a deadly laser. Oh wait, there’s a blanket.
There were single celled organisms, wait they grew fins, wait they grew legs and walk on land now.
Plants happened as well. Holy s**t Dinosaurs! Oops, a meteor happened and they’re gone.
Long live the mammal, and that’s about where we are.
7. Keepin’ em humble
S**t was very f**king hot with lava everywhere.
S**t got cold and holes filled with water.
Things started to evolve to live in the water.
Those little tears grew legs and audacity to move on land.
For some reason, those f**kers decided being small was bull**it and decided to grow super f**king big.
Space decided to f**king obliterate the dumb**ses that got so big, knocking them down a peg.
Life got smart and decided to learn how to control the world. That intelligence led to massive wars. Now we’re here with the stupidity level rising.
The world was hot, then it was not.
Bacteria farted so a fish could breath.
Hill sized creatures ate boulder sized ones and a rock killed them.
Humans thought this my chance and stabbed their neighbor and made iphones.
9. Take me with you
Apes evolved, made each other slaves to support a s**tty power structure, monarchy mostly died out and now we have capitalism and religion used to fear monger, can I come with you guys?
10. Hairy situations
Bang. Teeny microbes turned into big lizard birds.
Boom, big lizard birds disappear.
Brrrr, cold. Hairy thing like me make fire.
Warm. Hairy thing get big brain.
Now many hairy things, no longer hairy. Speak different, hate each other, kill each other, all over the world. Present day.
11. This means war
So a couple thousand years ago we made religion right? Well other people made other religions and we took that personally, so war happened…..and it keeps happening.
For different reasons…..allegedly but yeah we tend to solve even minor disagreements with war….so on that note picks up blunt object
12. Little fishes
Well first there was 2 planets but then one day they crash each other and from their remains my planet was made then some millions years happened when some comets bring the planet water and after that some simple DNA was randomly created then those became on bacterias they evolved until they was converted into tiny fishes but they aren’t fishes just look like them after that the little fishes were transformed into salamanders the salamanders into lizards the lizards into mammals one of the mammals evolved into a opossum then it evolved into a monke and the monke lose her tail then he walked on 2 feet’s then he eat some meat then he made herself intelligent then he evolved into human
13. Going clear
I would start crapping on about Lord Xenu, the dictator of the galactic confederacy and ask them what Thetan level they are operating at.
If they don’t know then they mustn’t be true aliens because the alternative would be that Scientology is complete and utter bulls**t, and that surely can’t be the case.
Why would a con artist/pedophile/fantasist/washed up sci-fi writer/mental patient make stuff up? It’s just not in line with his character.
14. The movie reference
God creates dinosaurs.
God destroys dinosaurs.
God creates man.
Man destroys God.
Man creates dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs eat man.
Woman inherits the earth.
15. The TV reference
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!
Since the dawn of man is really not that long
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song
A fraction of a second and the elements were made
The bipeds stood up straight, the dinosaurs all met their fat
They tried to leap but they were late
And they all died (they froze their a**es off)
The oceans and Pangea, see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya
Set in motion by the same big bang! It all started with the big bang!
It’s expanding ever outward but one day
It will cause the stars to go the other way
Collapsing ever inward, we won’t be here, it won’t be hurt
Our best and brightest figure that it’ll make an even bigger bang!
Australopithecus would really have been sick of us
Debating how we’re here, they’re catching deer (we’re catching viruses)
Religion or astronomy (Descartes or Deuteronomy) It all started with the big bang!
Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology
It all started with the big bang!
It all started with the big bang!
If that’s not clear enough for them, I don’t know what would be.
How would you summarize your planet?
Tell us in the comments.